Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
