planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
