Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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