: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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