woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
So squirting runs in the family.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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