i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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