if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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