Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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