i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
