I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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