Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
