That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
