i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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