Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
