I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
