I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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