i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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