You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
