Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
