my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize
