conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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