we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
