im holly from the hills drunk
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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