Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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