You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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