I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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