I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
