The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
