I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
