In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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