I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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