i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
