I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
