Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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