There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
