Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
