I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
