exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
So many bounce houses so little time
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
