Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
