she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
