Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
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Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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