im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
