Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize