i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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