I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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