May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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