I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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