I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
