im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
