My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
