I feel great
I just peed on a car
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm both gender and math confused
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
