these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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