We won't sleep together?
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize
